
A couple of weeks ago I had to say goodbye to my beautiful black Labrador x Doberman, Montana and Dr Anthony from Super Vets was with me every step of the way. When I first met Dr. Anthony, 5 years ago he had a conversation with me about my 10-year-old rottweiler, Dakota. She had bone cancer and likely only had weeks to live. He was compassionate and kind yet direct and informative. I was left with no question about what he was trying to tell me as he spoke in a clear, easy communication style, yet still had the ability to show compassion. Often direct communicators are regarded as uncompassionate, but Dr. Anthony is a master at both. It is a skill you can learn, it is a valuable skill it's something that, I myself have learned and is at the heart of being able to have an effective “courageous conversation”.
Dr. Anthony delivers exceedingly difficult information to pet owners every day of the week. Yet, when you meet him you feel that the only thing he has to do for that day is talk to you. He is fully present, maintains eye contact and has a knowing look that conveys a deep understanding what you are feeling. Obviously the work that Dr. Anthony does is immensely emotionally draining, yet he doesn't try to take the easy way out and just treat you like a number, he makes sure that you know that he cares for the whole family. He must have to dig down into the depths of his own emotion in order to give that to his clients but he is so passionate about giving animals the best end to their life he couldn’t think about doing it any other way. Happy Life, Happy Death” is his mantra and we should all be so lucky.
The experience of saying goodbye to the soul that I have spent the most time with me over the last 10 years got me thinking about compassion, empathy and sympathy. We often use the terms interchangeably however understanding the difference makes it easier for those who are driven more by intellect than emotion to implement compassion into communication and leadership.
Although not the Cambridge dictionary definition, yogic tradition teaches us that empathy is viscerally feeling what another feels. Research into mirror neurons has shown that empathy may arise automatically when you witness someone in pain. For example, if you saw me slam a car door on my fingers, you might feel pain in your fingers as well.
Sympathy on the other hand is when you can imagine or understand how someone else is feeling, you do not actually feel it. Whereas, when we are compassionate we go a step further, not only do you feel the pain of another (empathy) or you recognize that the person is in pain (sympathy), you also then do your best to alleviate the person’s suffering from that situation.
At its Latin roots compassion means “to suffer with.” When you are compassionate, you are not avoiding suffering, you’re not feeling overwhelmed by it and you’re not pretending the suffering doesn’t exist. When you practice compassion, you can stay present with suffering. Showing compassion can help gain a new point of view because it puts you in someone else's shoes and allows you to put time and thought into alleviating someone's suffering.
Dr Anthony knows that when he ends a pet’s suffering, he will enhance the owners suffering but he also knows that in time, the knowledge that they gave their pet a “happy death” will offer comfort. He knows like a well tailored tuxedo, compassion never goes out fashion and is guaranteed to develop trust. He doesn’t sugar coat the situation, he knows that there is pain, but he ensures that owners are equipped to make the best decision at the right time. As leaders we can learn from this approach, delivering unpleasant information in a clear and compassionate style is well received, tapping into our emotions may be uncomfortable, but shows authenticity and results in trust and respect.
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