Last week, my husband had to go to the dentist. It was a reasonably early morning appointment and when I went in to get him up. He basically refused to go. He said we should reschedule, that he needed to sleep, that he would go next week, and no amount of cajoling from me was going to get him out of bed. It was very strange behaviour. I am not exaggerating when I say he was behaving like a 12-year-old. I was pulling the doona off and he was pulling it back on and sulking. It was quite out of character, and I didn't really understand what he was being so stubborn about.
Putting it in perspective, he was told 12 months ago that he had to have his first filling. Despite never being to the dentist for the first 40 or so years of his life, Gobinda has amazing teeth and according to the dentist, very strong ones but the time had come for some attention. The concern that I had was that if we reschedule with our dentist, there is a $70 penalisation and in addition, we are planning on going on an overseas trip and the thought of a toothache and dental treatment in a foreign country was not appealing.
I realised that my Sherpa was being unexpectedly resistant, in fact, refusing to do it. Eventually, I asked him if he was scared. He looked at me indignantly and said, "Yes," which was a beautiful, honest expression of vulnerability, the subtext being, "Of course, I am bloody scared you idiot. I have never had a filing and I do not know what to expect." I gave him back the doona and talked to him (again) about what would be involved. I explained to him that only the needle would hurt, nothing else was going to hurt as all the feeling would be numbed in his mouth. With the promise that he could buy a coffee afterwards, he eventually got out of bed and was only 10 minutes late for the appointment.
When he returned, he had a big smile on his face and a coffee in his hand. I asked how it went and was informed that it was very good. "I did not need a needle," he told me accusingly to indicate that I had him worried for no reason! The dentist said it didn't need a needle and if there was any pain, just to put my hand up. So, I guess it wasn't a very deep hole, although, I am clearly not a dental expert.
Upon reflection, there were two lessons from this experience, or perhaps, three. Number one, when people are behaving in a way that's different to what you might expect or out of character, there's often a reason behind it. This is an opportunity to delve into why that might be going on for them from a place of compassion and understanding.
The second lesson is how the situation can be improved when we admit that we're feeling scared, vulnerable or we aren't comfortable with the way things are going. When we create an environment where people feel the comfort to speak up, we can get to the heart of what's wrong. The Sagarmatha Spirit Engagement Model outlined in “What my Sherpa taught me about TEAMS”, shows how people are feeling at each stage of employee engagement. The bottom of the mountain is where people feel outraged, and they are refusing to do what is asked of them. This is where Gobinda was, lying in bed, clutching onto the doona. He was not engaged and had no interest in allowing himself to become involved in the process. I was able to, once I realised that he was scared, work through the situation. Once I started addressing his concerns, he quickly took a step up the engagement model, he started listening. Then, he was accommodating by getting himself out of bed, doing what was asked of him. By time he was in the dentist chair, he remembered the great connection he had with the dentist. He started believing that everything was going to be okay. Coming home with the coffee in hand regaling me with the story of his triumph over fear, he was championing how great dentists were. He had climbed up the engagement mountain with a staggering pace but there was no way he was going to do that unless we got to the bottom of what was concerning him.
The last lesson I learnt was booking appointments in the morning after a late shift is not advisable. Overcoming difficulties is a lot easier with a solid sleep the night before!